Hello, humans.Yes, I know. I can almost see the displeasure oozing from your pores. Allow me to explain. My prolonged absence was due to a highly unavoidable vision quest that the Supreme Yogi of Greater Tibet was kind enough to invite me on. It was memorable.
Actually, it was due to chronic laziness. And this laziness was due to the simple fact that I have nothing new to write about. And when one finds him- or herself in this predicament, he or she should attempt to learn something new and then inform others, so as to make the world a slightly more educated place. So I shall do so. You are about to become a semi-expert on the Giant Squid.
Pictured above is, of course, a Giant Squid. To give you a full understanding of their size, however, I now present you with a recent photo of my Great Aunt Bertha, pictured alongside a fishing boat:
She is a large one, my Great Aunt Bertha. In fact, she is the largest giant Squid ever seen by humans, measuring 59 feet long and nearly a ton. This is because she is a compulsive overeater and will devour just about anything within her sight. She ate my Great Uncle Mort last year after he refused to take her out for dinner. Most giant Squids grow to be the size of a bus--so big, in fact, that they can hold their own in a fight against a whale. Rumor has it that an entire section of the classic tale of Moby Dick was removed before publishing, because of an unflattering portrayal of the great whale... it lost to a Squid, you see, after a short and pathetic attempt at battle. Pansy. Squids are also natural jet engines. Water is drawn into the mantle and then pushed out through the funnel at very high speeds-- an alarmed Squid can propel him- or herself up to 25 body lengths per second. Humans, of course, cannot. What is often mistaken for a Squid Fart is actually ink called Sepia, which confuses the attacker (Fart? Ink? Will it smell? Will it stain my clothes? Oh wait, I'm underwater. Hang on, where did that Squid go?) long enough for the Squid to escape (and giggle privately at his or her skills).
Sometimes Squids are murdered and made into Calamari. I prefer not to dwell on the negatives.
Most Giant Squids are caught in Japan, which is a strange human nation that specializes in humorous television shows and iron chefs. They probably cook Calamari.
All this talk about Calamari is utterly ruining my tranquil acceptance of humans... You shall learn no more from this Squid today!
Glaringly,
Squidmore
That is amazing -- is your Great Aunt Bertha well -- or is she now suffering at the hands of an Iron Chef?
ReplyDeleteshe is on the rampage. her goal for next year is to eat brazil. and then japan for dessert.
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